Many couples I treat are concerned about their sex lives (big surprise for a couples therapist!). Some are more concerned with quantity and some are more concerned about quality. I’ve never been an “either/or” kind of guy, so let me share a few statistics and thoughts with you.
According to the most recent Durex Global Survey (which is admittedly a few years old), the “average” person has sex 127 times per year. Americans average 118 times/year, while the Eastern Europeans average 150 times/year. Married couples average about 98 lovemaking sessions per year, while singles have sex only 48 times/year.
These statistics don’t make sense and don’t seem to add up: average is 127, but married is 98 and single is 48. How can this be? The answer is (drumroll please) that it is the cohabitating couples who are having the most sex in the world: 147 times per year. It’s the rest of us that are pulling down the stats!
So now you have the statistics and most likely they will be making you feel worse about your sex life. Fortunately, I did my undergraduate work at MIT, so I can tell you that it’s not that challenging to make statistics say whatever you want them to say. And what I say is FORGET ABOUT THE STATISTICS!!!
You are not a statistic! You are not an “average” anything! You are you! And if you’re not happy with the sex that you are having (or not having), you can do something about it! There are some interesting books out about couples that decided to experiment and take their sex lives into their own hands (you may giggle at the pun if you choose). As an experiment, one couple committed to having sex for 365 days in a row. Something you’d care to try?
Men and women are wired differently. The research indicates that while more men are “autogenic” meaning that they have a stronger physical arousal component, more women are “psychogenic” meaning that they require more mental stimulation to reach physical arousal. Knowing this makes it easier to create strategies for successful sex.
Bottom line is that you and your partner have free will and can create the sex life you desire. The reality is that the more sex you have the more sex you will want to have. Our bodies truly are designed in that “use it or lose it” manner. Even when you’re not quite “in the mood”, arousal often generates desire.
This covers the “quantity” aspect of sexuality for this article. Keep an eye out for my thoughts on “quality” in my next blog post which will be titled “good enough sex” and what that means to you. And of course, I welcome your questions and comments about this issue.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts about relationships and creating passion and purpose, please download my Free Special Reports, “20 Rituals For Romance!” and “The Secret To Owning Your Mission!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.