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Can Bondage Create Intimacy?

rope bondage 1Can Bondage Create Intimacy?

A number of years ago, I wrote a blogpost about my brief experience in bondage, entitled, “I Dated A Tie-Me Up Girl” which you can read when you Click Here. The bottom line was that is wasn’t for me and that it seemed to create a pseudo-intimacy through vulnerability.

As the Passion Doctor, I have treated many couples (and more-somes) interested in kink, bondage and S&M over the years. I’m not a prude, I’m pretty aware of alternative practices and circumstances invited me to revisit the topic and ask the question again, “Can bondage create intimacy?”

I attended a bondage course with a loved one, called, “Bondage and Meditation” involving the art of Japanese rope bondage.  Now this was more intriguing to me, the meditative aspect of bondage, of binding someone and connecting to self and lover at the same time, which is a big ingredient to me of intimacy.

The course was expertly facilitated by Orpheus Black and his incredible wife, Indigo. He first demonstrated binding his wife and then allowed us to practice as well with our partners.  The binding was done with love, with passion, with deep connection. It wasn’t angry or controlling or “dominant” in the ways that we might have imagined. It wasn’t a demonstration of power and  control. It was a sensual demonstration of deep attention to the Beloved and her needs.

The ropes were tied “at the tightness of a hug” and that was really the metaphor for the evening, bondage as a deep, long, sustained hug. The analogy of the comfort a baby experiences when being swaddled also comes to mind. We all want to be held and contained, don’t we?

The demonstration continued as Orpheus caressed his wife with the ropes, with his hands, with his beard, with his breath. Her moans were audible, her expression and energy palpable. I noticed that quite a few of the audience members, including my companion, were entering an altered-state watching the energy exchanged between the two, seemingly wanting the connection these two were sharing.

Orpheus was quite adamant in sharing that the binding is about the partner and what they want and need. They are calling the shots on how to be touched, where to be touched, when to be touched. Although the “anticipatory touch” technique was a big aha moment, where we build up the pool of sensations.

To further separate this form of bondage from some of your preconceived notions, binding may or may not be sexual. Again, it is up to the partner on what they are up for. So very interesting and counter to my ignorant thoughts about these types of activities. Happy that even a trained “professional” such as myself has so much to learn and discover.

FYI, my partner, a strong, powerful, independent, successful woman, LOVED being bound during our demonstration. After having to make decisions all day, all week, all year long, to be able to surrender into the ropes, to feel held and contained, to simply surrender, was an incredible experience, she later shared with me.

Bottom line: while I wasn’t convinced about bondage while dating my “tie-me-up girl” I must say that I have a new-found respect for it as a meditative art, as a way to express deep care and connection and as a self-care tool for those overcommitted to “doing” in their lives. I’m definitely ready to give it another try and be part of the experiment.

What about you? Curious?

Warmly,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Comments

  1. Louise Hardy says:

    Your description reminds me of swaddling an infant and holding and caressing them and the wonderful feeling of being tightly tucked into bed. Thank you for this post, it has me thinking. Louise

    • EXACTLY Louise! That was one of the metaphors he used in describing it. You are so on track. Keep me posted on if you go beyond thinking 🙂
      Adam

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