Don’t talk so much!
I am continuing my thoughts from my post quite a few months ago titled, Don’t Talk So Much! I received a great deal of feedback from the first post and want to address some of it as well as expand upon my original thoughts.
To remind you, the basic premise was that while a majority of couples enter couples counseling with the (valid) idea that they need to learn better communication skills, after almost 25 years as a couples therapist my belief is that COMMUNICATION IS NOT THE PROBLEM!
The problem is NOT about communication. The problem is about CONNECTION! Or more accurately, about the LACK of connection.
We are all seeking connection. I believe that we are designed to seek out connection. However, men and women seek out connection in different ways and the two ways can sometimes conflict or nullify each other.
In general, women connect by talking. And by “talking” I more specifically mean talking about their feelings and “processing” them. Men connect more through shared activities and physical (including sexual) contact.
My experience in working with men is that most men would prefer NOT to talk about their feelings and especially prefer NOT to process them. If they really love their partners, they can go against their nature and listen to their partner’s feelings and help them process them (if they learn these skills), but generally won’t reciprocate. And this really does hurt most women, as they connect this sharing of feelings and processing with love.
Let me state that I am a clinical psychologist AND I have been in over two decades of personal psychotherapy. I worked hard to develop the capacity for and the skill set of communication and I’m pretty good at it. I earn a living with it.
AND, I don’t particularly like to talk about my feelings with my partner either! It isn’t my preferred method of connecting. I can engage in it when it’s necessary, yet from my personal and professional perspective, it’s not nearly as necessary as most of our female partner’s believe it to be.
Which is why my recommendation at the end of the original Don’t Talk So Much was for women to use the 80/20 rule. Take 80% of what you believe you need to share with your partner and share/process it with your friends or your therapist. The remaining 20% can and should be shared with your partner. Choose your battles wisely!
Women don’t understand or appreciate the emotional “expense” to a man of engaging in communication/processing. I’m not saying this to have you feel sorry for men or to believe that they are broken or inferior in some way. In general, we just don’t have the emotional muscles that women do. We can build them, but still probably won’t be a able to keep up. Emotionally, we can sprint, but most men are not marathoners!
The story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” comes to mind here. We love you and will process and communicate on that deep level when necessary, as a gift of love and nurturing to you. Yet if most of what comes up could be addressed without us, we will feel that you are “crying wolf” and that becomes a pattern, we WILL eventually resent it and you.
Now, many of the comments responding to the original Don’t Talk So Much seemed to agree with my premise. And these agreeing comments came from both men AND women, generally those in long term relationships.
Some women felt that it was unfair. Some felt it wasn’t right that women had to be sensitive to men’s limitations and that men didn’t have to be sensitive to women’s.
And I agree with you. It ISN’T fair! And it goes back to the old saying, “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
When I work with couples, I always encourage the more aware partner, the more conscious partner to take steps to break up the dysfunctional patterns in the relationship as they show up in the moment. I believe that this is another example of that type of situation.
This doesn’t mean that men value their relationship with their partner less than women value the relationship. However, in my experience, men are much more reactive and women much more proactive when it comes to relationship.
I can’t tell you how many couples come into my office a year or two after the woman has been asking her man to come into treatment. And often, that is “too little, too late.” In fact, the research shows that long term couples enter couples counseling about six years after they acknowledge they have a problem.
So, YES, the woman will need to be the one to take the first steps the majority of times. And by recognizing the best ways to connect with a man won’t that make your relationship better? And won’t you then get your needs met as well? As I wrote before, as the more evolved of the sexes, women can definitely influence the relationship for the better, for the highest good of all involved.
Again, I am addressing this particular issue to women. When men come to me to improve their relationship, I teach them an entirely different skill set, which involves giving women what THEY need for connection. And when the partners come in together for couples counseling I take yet another approach. I have to work with who comes into my office (or telephones/Skypes).
However, I am writing this followup post on Don’t Talk So Much because many women have partners/boyfriends/husbands who refuse to be part of the solution. And so I am considering the creation of a program to support these women, as well as men in the same predicament to improve their relationships from their “side of the street” and would love to hear your comments about the idea and my additional thoughts in this post.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts about relationships and creating passion and purpose, please download my Free Special Reports, “20 Rituals For Romance!” and “The Secret To Owning Your Mission!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.
As I read your piece I found myself getting frustrated with your belief regarding couples improving their relationships. I am a therapist and coach myself. Your three prong approach is confusing to me. My would you approach treatment for relationship improvement differently if a man makes the initial contact, a woman seeks help, or a couple comes in together. You’re onto something regarding teaching men and women about their “languages of love”. I am extremely uncomfortable with your 80/20 philosophy. Both sexes need to learn how to connect AND communicate effectively in their relationships
to improve relationship satisfaction. It’s like you’re telling women to take their feelings elsewhere instead of overwhelming their significant other with such. You also seem to be telling women they need to be more physically connected to their men in order to get their needs met. Why must it be a sexes needs thing? (Male/Female)? I’ve treated men who were more needy in the communication department and women who wanted more physical connectedness. It’s not a this sex versus that sex thing. It’s an individual person thing. I am taken aback by the thought of being told to share only 20% of my thoughts and feelings with a male significant other. I guess if the man in one’s life only wants to deal with that 20% then the woman needs only supply a small percentage of his physical needs, wants, thoughts and feelings?
Judi,
So glad you’ve read the piece thoroughly and are sharing your thoughts. In my experience, how the couple enters treatment & who initiates the process makes a great difference in building a therapeutic alliance with the couple. As you know, when more than two are in the consulting room, all types of interesting dynamics occur. To ignore this would be asking for trouble.
I agree that some of what I am saying won’t apply to everyone, yet I would suggest that it will apply to 80%. Yes there are generalities, however, I am writing to everyone, not specializing, which is more what I do in the treatment. Pragmatically, while couples are learning to differentiate and meet their own needs, there sometimes have to be accommodations from both parties, as each stretches to meet their partner’s needs.
What type of therapist are you and where do you practice? Always interested in knowing more about colleagues.
Wish you the best,
Adam Sheck
Great analysis. True! Less talk; more of a mystery he/she is…Good idea. Thanks, you are a genius.
Listen to ABBA’s song: “I Don’t Want To Talk”, relevant to the topic at hand.
I feel you hit the nail on the head! My boyfriend is uncomfortable talking about feelings, and when he does, he just thinks I’m needy! His attitude is live & let live, a relationship should just take care of itself if both people love each other! I’m sooooo frustrated!
Donna,
Sorry you’e so frustrated. I agree, “love” is not enough to sustain a relationship. It does take some effort to maintain, as does anything of value. The statistics show that most couples seek out counseling 6-7 years after they figure out they have a problem. This doesn’t make for great odds of working things out. Seek out support sooner than later. If I can be of any service, please let me know.
Adam Sheck
well-meaning, but off the mark…it seems individuality is too ‘inconvenient’ not to categorize
too many “exceptions to the rule” in real life to be ‘theorized away’. no wonder it’s still an issue
HI Adam –
Thanks for this thought provoking article. I will certainly be mulling it over for much time to come. I appreciate your perspective about the fact that men tend to connect through experiences and women through processing. As a therapist, and a married woman, I think that keeping in mind that women are MORE given to processing than men is really important. However, where we diverge is in the globalization of these statements. I almost feel like you are telling me that my husband only values/needs our processing 20% and I only enjoy 20% of the activities together, and I think that’s just too narrow a view. I agree that I definitely need more processing than the men in my life, but to say that he almost doesn’t need it seems inaccurate to me. Communication of each other’s thoughts, needs, and feelings is very important and, in my experience, is a key element of what keeps intimate relationships intimate. Having lots of shared experiences and physical closeness needs to be the bigger part of the relationship, naturally, and that is what creates intimacy in my opinion. Lots of shared experiences and fun, and the ability to talk about those things – good, bad, and the ugly. We’d feel disconnected if we talked at each other all day and never did anything together, and we’d both feel disconnected if we never processed conflicts or hurt feelings.
I’m calling for less of a formula, and more of an invitation to look at tendencies. But again, despite my diverging opinion, I LOVE how much you got me thinking about this, and I this will certainly be something I continue to think about, it’s an important topic.
Thanks,
Amy
Amy,
Happy to provoke some thought, that’s all that I can ask for. Yes, I’m writing in generalizations, and that is necessitated by a wide audience. My hope is that some of it will land, as it has for you. AND, as generalizations go, the 80/20 rule seems to be a fairly good one. And yes, nothing is set in stone.
I have been married to my husband for 34 years. I happen to agree almost completely with your *80/20* approach to communication. While Steven and I have a great marriage and friendship, it has been equally important to it’s longevity to make sure that we both have a support system outside of each other. There can be *TMI* moments when couples try to share everything- at least in my experience! *laughing* I do think one *ingredient* to add to your approach is humor. My Grandmother told me at the beginning of my marriage (and she was married for almost 70 years) that to laugh together is the best medicine for relationships of all.