What do Men Really Want In Relationships?
It’s really not that complicated. From both personal and professional experience, I can tell you that what men want in relationships is pretty basic.
Hint: It’s not about having a “trophy” partner or someone to feed us and take care of us when we’re sick. It’s certainly not about having someone to “process” feelings with. It’s not even about sex, though sexuality IS an important part of relationships.
What men REALLY want in a relationship, is a safe place to recharge and renew themselves in order to go back out and face the world and “fight the good fight.” What men want is a safe, secure, STRESS-FREE environment where we can recover from dealing with the “rat-race” and just relax.
What men want is a place where we can be ourselves, without putting on the facade that the world sometimes demands. We want a place where we don’t have to be on our best behavior, where we don’t have to walk on egg shells and where we don’t have to pretend that we’re something we’re not.
We want a place where we can be accepted for who we are and for who we are not! What men want is consistency and routine, because that is what relaxes us. “Same place, same thing” calms us down. Yes, we like change and excitement from time to time, but what we really want in our primary relationship is a place where we can be at peace, where we don’t have to have our “fight or flight” response triggered. We’re activated enough in the work world, we don’t want our relationship to be like a second job!
Why is this what men want? Why do men want to recharge in relationships? I believe it goes back to our early childhood development (I’m a psychologist, of course I’m going to go there!). Attachment theory tells us that one stage of childhood is that time where we have started to break away from mommy and become more independent. We play with our friends and have fun, but every once in a while we take a look back and connect to mommy, maybe just eye contact, to make sure that she is there and that everything is okay. And then we can get back to play. We need a “secure base” to launch from in order to explore our world and when necessary we need a “safe haven” to seek comfort from that world.
On some level, I believe that men still do this in our adult relationships. Not in that cliche, “I’ve married my mother” way, but hopefully in a more mature, more conscious way. We want someone around us, to make sure that it (we) are okay. We don’t necessarily want or need to interact with them constantly, just “check in” or “touch base.”
When I’m in a relationship, I’m happy just knowing that my partner is in the house, we don’t even need to talk. And yes, we do interact as well, but there’s something comforting in just knowing that someone is there.
There is the psychology, and then there is also the biology. Men are more susceptible to being physiologically aroused. Yes, THAT way, too, but I mean in terms of “fight or flight” and being ready to fight off attacks from the dinosaurs and sabertooth tigers. That’s what our bodies tell us to do and so we have relationships in order to take a break from that, in order to give our systems a rest, to renew ourselves.
As men we don’t want to multitask and we don’t want to speak in the language of feelings. We’re not built to do these things optimally. We can do them, and of course, sometimes we must, yet we’re just not designed to do them very well.
I’m not saying that we should use biology as an excuse, it just needs to be understood and accepted, so we that can optimize our relationships and have both partner’s needs acknowledged and met.
So there you have it, what men want in relationships. Not necessarily what their partners want (if they are partnered with a woman). And what do women want? And how do we reconcile the differences? That, dear reader, will have to be addressed in another post. Stay tuned!
And of course, it is certainly possible that I’m simply projecting what I personally want in a relationship and backing it up with psychological data, it’s happened before. Once again, it is up to YOU, the reader, to decide what is true for yourself.
If you have a reaction to this post, I welcome ALL of your comments. As always, I am grateful and stimulated by your interaction.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts about relationships and creating passion and purpose, please download my Free Special Reports, “20 Rituals For Romance!” and “The Secret To Owning Your Mission!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.
i want the same things but get the impression men think it’s not ‘feminine’ enough if i do.
Louisanne,
Stand up for what you want/need and if your partner can’t or won’t support it, perhaps time for one who will.
Thanks for sharing your concerns,
Adam
Hi Dr. Wonderful Sheck!
You helped my husband Paul and I get through some rough times about 11 years ago and we are still doing really well! We hold you fondly in our hearts to this day, now in our early 40’s. We may come in for a little tune up soon, little glitches here and there that we could use some insight on but overall we are great and still in love! I remember Paul went kicking and screaming when we we met you first and now he calls you “shecky” as a term of endearment. You are awesome and I fully enjoyed your article. I just referred my good friend C[edited for privacy] and her hubby to you yesterday and I think she will call soon. You’re the best! Do you have some sort of list I can be a part of so I receive your articles etc?
Karin,
So lovely to hear from you! So happy that you and Paul are doing well. Thank you so much for your referral, I’ll do my best, though just reminding you that posting on the Internet IS public access, so confidentiality goes out the window.
Happy to see oyu for a tuneup if and when that seems appropriate. In the meantime, you can subscribe on the Passion Doctor mailing list on this site and get my latest comings and goings or email me directly through the contact page.
Thanks again, always nice to hear from successful couples and happy I could help in a small way.
Adam Sheck
Are you suggesting that women don’t also want/need these things?
Are you suggesting that women by default get in the way of men achieving these goals in their relationships?
These implications are ridiculous and, honestly, rather offensive.
It seems to me that these sorts of needs and wants are universal, regardless of gender, genitalia, sexual orientation, or marital status. As a woman I have these same needs. (And, SURPRISE, I even needed these same things when I was single.) Men and women are equally capable of interfering with their partners’ “recharging” rituals – quite possibly with their own particular needs for “recharging.” For example, I like to relax after a long day at work (yes, I work, and, yes, I work very hard at a very demanding job) by watching the baseball game and drinking a glass of wine, but, oh woe is me, my boyfriend prefers listening to Frank Zappa at unreasonable volumes and drinking beer!
Now, I’m not a clinical psychologist, and I’m just a woman, so take my opinion for what it’s worth (which, apparently, is not much), but here it is:
A healthy, stable relationship is about equal parts communication, trust, love, and compromise. And sometimes that means compromising on your “recharging” time. Yes, we all want a “safe, secure, STRESS-FREE environment where we can recover from dealing with the ‘rat-race’ and just relax.” Women, just like you big strong men, want to be able to be ourselves, not have to be on our best behavior, to be accepted for who we are, and to have consistency in our relationships. But guess what. Sometimes shit happens, and sometimes that shit means that my stress level goes up. And I want/need a partner who can help me deal with whatever it may be that is screwing with my ability to “recharge” – whether that means developing a plan of action together, listening to me talk it out, or simply not letting my wine glass go empty. And when something happens to make my partner unable to “recharge,” I will do the same for him. But NO ONE in a relationship of any kind should bottle up their own stresses and anxieties just to spare their partner. That’s when resentment and passive aggressiveness comes into play, and then the relationship itself becomes the cause of the stress.
And don’t even get me started about how ridiculous your premise of “recharging” is once kids enter the picture.
Casey,
I’m not suggesting anything, though you seem to be making the suggestions for me as well as deciding what I think the worth of them is.
My statements are regarding men and they may certainly apply to women as well. Each member of each couple has needs and wants. They have a choice to express them, ignore them, meet them, etc. My experience is that when my needs aren’t met, I’m more challenged in meeting my partner’s needs.
It becomes a circular chain and whoever is the “healthiest” or at least the clearest in the moment has the option of breaking that chain and extending themselves outside of their comfort zone for their partner. It’s not a quid pro quo, it’s a stretch.
You may not like what I’m writing about and it sounds like you might not have been with people that have cared about your needs, yet that doesn’t change the fact that men do have needs and I’ve written about what I believe is the underlying one.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
Adam Sheck
I find the article makes excellent points about many common needs for men (and for women too, by the way).
I’m just not sure these are true for all men, and there are some statements in particular that don’t seem to apply well to some men I know well.
For example: ” It’s certainly not about having someone to “process” feelings with.”
I think that some men do need their spouses to do these with them, at times.
Next, “When I’m in a relationship, I’m happy just knowing that my partner is in the house, we don’t even need to talk.” This is very true often, but it implies that it is always true. There are times for men too as well as women when they feel abandoned by a spouse who is always too busy and focused on other things, whether job-related or personal, and being in the same house is no longer enough.
Finally, you say, “As men we don’t want to multitask and we don’t want to speak in the language of feelings. ” While I know few men (or women) truly good at multitasking which of course is largely mythic, there are men who do want and are good at speaking in the language of feelings.
Thank you. Overall you make important points and I think many women would find this enlightening and helpful when for years they have been baffled by their significant others.
Nicole,
Of course there are no statements that will apply to everyone all of the time, I agree. My intention was to state that most men do not go directly to processing their feelings, congratulations on having one that did/does if that makes your relationship better. My statement of “When I’m in a relationship …” is my statement of me/I. True for me may be true for other men.
I’m a fan of the 80/20 rule and will generalize that what I’m saying most likely applies to 80% of men more often than not.
Thank you for your final comment, I appreciate it. Of course every person and couple has it’s own variations, and that is why they come to see me and other experienced couples counselors for specific treatment tailored to their needs.
Thanks again,
Adam Sheck