Can anyone possibly answer the question of what women want? It certainly is a question for the ages! Over a year ago, I wrote a blogpost entitled, “What Do Men Really Want In Relationships?”and it got the most comments of anything I’ve ever written on the Passion Doctor blogsite and the reprint at the Good Men Project. It sparked a strong reaction, both in women that loved it and women that hated it. No one was on the fence.
Interestingly enough, there was only a few male responses which mainly seemed supportive of my thoughts. In that post, I promised a sequel, speaking about my thoughts and experience as a psychologist and couples counselor on what women want, and after long contemplation I have finally written it.
You might ask, who am I to say what women want, being a man and all? I’ve worked with many a women over my last twenty years as a psychotherapist (statistically, about 80% of psychotherapy patients ARE indeed women). My private practice these days is about 50% couples and the rest are clients mainly with relationship issues. So, I’ve heard both sides of this story for a very long time.
So I feel somewhat competent and qualified to share my perspective on what women want from their PARTNER in a relationship. Most of my clinical experience is with heterosexual women, though I have worked with a few dozen lesbian couples over the years.
And what women want in a relationship seems pretty consistent, across the board. I originally started writing this article by talking about the qualities a women wants in a partner, but changed my focus as it has been written about ad nauseum already (women want safety, security, a partner they can trust, a partner with certainty, a partner with a mission, yada, yada, yada …). All are true and yet they are more effects of this one other component.
The primary ingredient that a woman wants in a relationship is: CONNECTION. The other pieces all flow from that. Connection is what makes a woman FEEL safe and secure, what makes her feel important and special, cherished and adored, and especially LOVED.
Women want to feel INCLUDED in their relationship. Included in decision-making, included in the shared vision that they create with their partner, included in their partner’s heart, included in the lovemaking. Women in general want to be made love WITH, not made love TO!
What women want is to be accepted by their partner. Accepted for who they ARE and accepted for who they are NOT. We all have enough insecurities without our partner adding to the list. And this, after all (at least to me) is the ultimate definition of LOVE: to be accepted for who you are and who you are not.
And we can take that even one step further if we really want to go the distance! We can not only accept our partners for who and what they are and are not, we can CHERISH our partners for these qualities. We can APPRECIATE them for these qualities. We can even ADORE them for these qualities.
Oh yes, there is this one caveat though. Unfortunately (for most men, at least), connection with a woman often begins with the “T” word: TALKING! And therein lies a big dilemma. Which I will have to write about another time 😉
So ladies (and gentlemen) what is your reaction to what I’m saying, to what I calling “what women want” ? Does it make sense? Do you agree? Do you believe I’m full of it? Please let me know.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts about relationships and creating passion and purpose, please download my Free Special Reports, “20 Rituals For Romance!” and “The Secret To Owning Your Mission!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.
This is more true than not, Dr. Sheck – I’ll give you that – and it should be shared with all men who need such advice. The only thing that I would add to the connection thing (and I think it goes both ways) that it isn’t something that can be forced by either party – at least this is true in my experience. There are just certain people – and not very many at that – who you feel this connection with – not sure if it is mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual – but at the best of times I’d hope it is all 4. If there was a formula for what constitutes this connection between two people, I’d love to know it. Although I thoroughly enjoy knowing what is in his mind, I am not the type of woman who needs constant reassurance or praise. I also need my space, but when he looks at me – I should know from his look that we know each other and want what we see in our lives as it makes it a more joyful experience.
Ashes,
Thanks for your thoughts. I certainly agree that the deep, visceral connection isn’t something that can be forced. Yet my experience is that while that connection is strong, it still isn’t enough to create a solid relationship, we must still build solid relationship skills.
Take care,
Adam Sheck
Very well said. My partner and I have been having a lot of conflict lately. He says he needs more sex and I say I need more interaction with him before I can want to have sex. He doesn’t understand the concept that my attraction to him hasn’t changed. We just no longer connect like we use to. I am going to share this article with him. Dr. Adam, I am waiting patiently on your post about how to put it all together.
Natalie,
If only one post would “put it all together” I’d post it and then hang out at the beach for the rest of the year 🙂
I have written a number of posts on the dynamic you describe though and will continue to do my best to support couples.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam Sheck
I am most interested for you to complete your thought. Connection is the target, but the technique is talking and women are nothing if inconsistent. Because it is only words it has no meaning unless and until they chose to make them have meaning and that is totally irrespective of any or all actions which belie the words
Tim,
I hear your statement, though I don’t necessarily agree with you generalization about inconsistency. Not sure what you are asking.
Adam
Adam, I absolutely agree with everything you’ve written in this one! Kudos! Acceptance, connection, honesty, and above all, trust. Each person has to know themselves…and be willing to get to know the other person. Two people who are able to be vulnerable with each other…priceless!
Thanks Robin. Actually my editor at GMP thought this piece too stimulating to be posted there because of my style, so happy to have some positive feedback as well.
Adam
Ohhhh….the connection is everything….at least for me it is. It is by far, the most intense, passionate love ever known. To be able to intertwine two souls love, spirituality, intelligence & creativity is what the connection is all about. Although people may give specifics of what they are looking for such as honesty, kindness, a successful partner…yada yada yada…the connection is unexplainable, in the sense that it’s all of those things but so much more…actually feeling what your partner is feeling on a level so deep that sadly, most will never get to experience. I am happy I was able to in my lifetime, and although he is no longer in my life as my partner…we still have that connection…how incredible!
Alyssa,
Thanks for sharing so deeply and so eloquently.
Adam Sheck
Very good article, Adam. I feel you have taken a very difficult topic and really narrowed it down to what are probably the most essential ingredients! Thanks for sharing this with everyone.
Best of success to you! Hope all is well!
Lisa
Thanks Lisa, appreciate your kind words.
Best to you as well,
Adam