Dr. Sheck,

I am a 23 year old woman in a committed relationship for the past two years. I love my boyfriend and want to eventually marry him. My one complaint is our sex life. He is a very considerate and tender lover. But, I have never had an orgasm with him! What can I do?


Dear Disappointed,

I need a little more information regarding your dilemma to provide you with helpful suggestions. The most critical question I have is this — have you EVER had an orgasm, either alone or with a partner?

Anorgasmia is the technical name for the inability to orgasm. This can be a life long problem or situational, with a certain partner, or at certain times.  As in any issue, the first thing to do is rule out a medical reason. See a physician to determine this. Also, certain medications may inhibit orgasm as well.

If there is no medical reason, the bottom line solution, like so much in life is — Know Yourself! The more you are connected to yourself, to your body, to your needs, the more access you will have to the pleasures in life, including sexual pleasure.

If you have never experienced an orgasm, you must MASTURBATE!  Now how many doctors have recommended this, especially by the Internet? But it is the truth!  The more familiar and comfortable you are with your own body and your own natural rhythms, the more you can relax and allow yourself to receive, the more likely you will be to experience orgasm.  We don’t want to add to the pressure right now, so we won’t even get into the issue of single versus multiple orgasm.  Just consider that a gift for another day.

When you can successfully achieve orgasm through self-stimulation, the next step is to achieve this with a partner. Again, relax! Trying too hard, putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner will actually interfere with orgasm.

You must teach your partner, lovingly, what it is that excites you, arouses you. How you like to be touched, where you liked to be touched, what you like to hear, smell, feel. Communicate this with your partner with words, as well as actions. This is what true intimacy is about.

If you can orgasm with some partners, but not others, it may be about the interactions between you two. And not just the physical interactions. To trust another, to share with another something so deep and private, can take a great deal of maturity and connection.

Sometimes we use sex as a weapon – sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. On some deep level, we might be thinking, “I don’t trust you (or I’m angry at you about) and so I won’t give you (or me) the satisfaction of having an orgasm!”

Talk openly and candidly with your partner about your feelings, about what you need and want in all aspects of the relationship, not just sexually. And be open to what he shares as well.  If the problem persists, you might want to consider seeing an individual or couples therapist to deal with the issues involved.  I hope this has been of some help.

Dr. Adam Sheck

Passion Doctor Readers: What have been your experiences with sexuality and orgasm in your relationship?  What has been helpful for you?   As always, I welcome and invite your feedback. And, if you have any other relationship issues you’d like me to address, please feel free to “Ask Adam” by clicking here!

DISCLAIMER: Dr. Sheck endeavors to provide the highest quality of information on mental-health related issues. “Ask Adam” is provided for your informational benefit and in no way should be construed as a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy provided by a licensed mental health professional. Concerning the information and services provided by Dr. Sheck, Dr. Sheck makes no warranties, either expressed or implied, and specifically disclaims any warranty of merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose. This service is only available to those who are at least 18 years of age. Use of the “Ask Adam” services constitutes understanding and acceptance of these provisions.