Now Why Would I Possibly Recommend That You Be A Selfish Lover?
BECAUSE research seems to indicate that a selfish lover is more a more satisfying lover to their partner! Yes, it’s true, a study from Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver indicates that:
“… as a partner’s sexual self-focus decreased, their partner’s satisfaction decreased.”
Yes, this is against our intuition that it is better to be OTHER focused in our lovemaking and to make pleasing our partners our primary goal. Well, guess again, seems like that isn’t quite the truth! This study states that the less we focus on ourselves, the less our partner is satisfied.
It looks like those who are focused more on their partner’s satisfaction just aren’t quite as into it. It turns out that our MOTIVATION is a big determinant here. Couples that are having sex out of obligation or simply to please their partners just aren’t as enthusiastic about it and that shows up in the result!
When we are making love because we really WANT it and are into it, although one can label it as being a SELFISH LOVER, it also means that we are FULLY ENGAGED! And if you’ve read any of my posts on passion, you know that being fully present and in the moment is one of the keys to ignite those fires.
I can certainly share from my own experience that while I have had periods in my life where I would obsessively focus on my partner’s pleasure (once for her birthday I “insisted” she have one orgasm for every year celebrated; it was a LONG weekend!), that’s not all there is in lovemaking. Our partners truly enjoy it when we are satisfied as well. It makes all of us feel good to know that our partners are enjoying themselves, too. It’s that sexual “contact high”.
And of course, anyone who has participated in a 12-Step Program knows the benefits of working a “selfish program”. We really do need to make our own needs important AND it can also benefit those around us. We’ve all heard the metaphor of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks activate and we’re notified to put on our own mask before taking care of others.
Now we know that it extends as well to our sexuality. So go ahead, don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Be a Selfish Lover! AND satisfy your partner!
Live with passion,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re interested in more of my thoughts about relationships and creating passion and purpose, please download my Free Special Reports, “20 Rituals For Romance!” and “The Secret To Owning Your Mission!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.
i have so much trouble getting fully turned on, its just easier focusing on my male partner instead of trying (and failing) to get myself going. after ten years of having sex i don’t think i’m ever going to figure out what’s wrong with me so might as well make sure at least one of the people involved is happy.
I’m so sorry that this has been your experience. Your strategy certainly makes sense to avoid disappointment, yet it also seems to create it as well! I truly believe that if you sought out professional support, you and your partner could deal with this issue successfully. I help many couples with this type of issue and I’m sure that your situation can be improved. Let me know if I can support you or refer you to someone that might be able to do so.