Do You Practice The Seven Kinds Of Sex?
One of the main reasons couples choose to work with me in counseling of telephone/Skype coaching is that they are having issues “in the bedroom.” Not enough sex and/or not the “right” kind of sex are big issues that I work with every week in my private couples counseling practice.
Part of my work is providing education about the Three Stages of Relationship and how to keep the passion going once a relationship is out of the “honeymoon stage”. And part of this education is explaining that there are different kinds of sex and that each “kind” has a place in the relationship.
In no particular order, the seven kinds of sex are:
1. Married or “Comfortable” Sex.
2. Quickie Sex.
3. Romantic Sex.
4. Adventurous or Risky Sex.
5. “Take Me” Sex.
6. Kinky Sex.
7. Vacation Sex.
Let’s go over them one at a time and see the advantage of each of the seven kinds of sex.
Married or “Comfortable” Sex:
This is that predictable yet comfortable kind of sex that many couples fall into and consider to be a “rut”. You know exactly what “move” you or your partner will use to initiate sex, and it’s usually the same time and the same day each week (quite possible Saturday night at 10pm?). It generally consists of five minutes of kissing, ten minutes of foreplay, eight minutes of intercourse, an “I love you” and a snore. You can set your clock by it! And, it’s not a bad thing to have something reliable, predictable and comfortable to look forward to. Unless it’s the ONLY kind of sex you have to look forward to!
An expression of pure, animal lust, this is hard and fast, down and dirty sex. You want it, you need it and you’re going to have it. Not much romance, yet full of passion, this is hair-pulling, clothes tearing, “yeah, baby” sex at its finest. Immediate gratification and release, the surge of hormones can provide an instant bonding experience. It might happen the minute you walk in the door after work, it could a surprise in the middle of the night or it could be somewhere surprising (see Adventurous Sex).
This is more of what you probably experienced when you initially began to have sex with your partner during the “courting” part of your relationship. It was well thought out and orchestrated. There were probably candles, music, a bottle of win and an overall sensual atmosphere. You paid attention to what you wore or didn’t wear and grooming was de rigueur! It was about seduction and foreplay and enjoyment. You took your time and savored the moment. It’s still a wonderful form of sex and usually gets lost in the hustle and bustle of our over-scheduled lives. Plan for it at least once per month to keep the passion going!
Adventurous or Risky Sex:
This is sex that is exciting because of the novelty or risk factor involved. When your relationship was young and you just HAD to have your partner right then and there! Perhaps it was in the bathroom at a friend’s New Year’s party? Perhaps it was in the car watching Fourth of July fireworks? Perhaps it was in your office with the door locked, fifteen minutes before your next client was due to arrive? It is somewhat related to “Quickie Sex” though the goal is making that connection, not necessarily completing the act in record time. The risk factor adds to the passion for sure!
“Take Me” Sex:
This is where one of you chooses to “run the show” during the lovemaking session. This might be a shared decision or it might be a unilateral one, but it will definitely create a passionate reaction one way or the other. Don’t be frightened by the idea of domination here, it doesn’t have to become extreme and get into full bondage and domination (b&d) unless you’d like to experiment. It can be as simple as deciding who is going to initiate sex this time or who is going to be “on top”. Yet there is something pleasurable and passionate for both men AND women when on occasion you know that your partner will be in charge and you just have to just relax and let them do the work, let them be the aggressor. We all enjoy being told or shown what to do now and then, and we might be surprised what a turn on it actually is to have our partner be a little more dominant, a little more forceful.
Believe it or not, a survey of over 2000 Cosmopolitan readers revealed that 70% were “game to try” and 21.5% were “excited” by the idea of adding kink to their lovemaking. Now before you start running out of the house, I’m not taking about “hardcore” kink involving b&d, sadomasichism (s&m) or fetishism, though there is nothing wrong with any of that between consenting adults. For my uninitiated readers, I define kink as any sexual activity that YOU find unusual or different and that enhances your sexual intimacy and passion. For the context of this article, I’m talking about what YOU consider experimenting with your sexuality, so take away your judgments. This can range from playful spanking, to role-playing, to introducing sex toys into your lovemaking, to making a videotape to anything that YOU have been wanting to try.
You are in a new, different, possibly exotic locale and this novelty factor definitely makes the sex hot. Perhaps you’re overlooking the ocean or have a beautiful mountain view or have an oversized jacuzzi tub in your bedroom! You have time, you don’t have the usual distractions of work, finances, the kids. You are FREE and can do what you want, you’ve got carte blanche to engage in all kinds of sexual exploits! You can practice ANY of the other types of sex described previously. Go for it!
So now that I’ve described the seven kinds of sex, what does that mean to you? I’ve always believed that knowledge is power, so perhaps you’ve got a little bit more of both than when you began reading this. Since we are truly “novelty-seeking” creatures, if your intention is to sustain a long-term, monogamous relationship (which is true for many of my readers) than I suggest that you mix it up. Commit to practicing the different kinds of sex and perhaps add one or two types into your repertoir if you’ve been feeling stagnant.
The sexual connection between a couple is an incredible opportunity to bond, to share, to become closer in a physical/emotional/spiritual way. I also believe that it is one of the major ingredients in the “glue” that keeps couples connected. I encourage you all to commit to expanding your sex life and please share the results with me, below.
Dr. Adam Sheck
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