Even after more than twenty years as a psychotherapist and couples counselor, it continues to surprise me that people need to pay me large sums of money to tell them fairly obvious things that they already know! Here is another in my series of “passion tips”.
When an individual or a couple come to see me because they want to experience more passion in their lives, we explore many paths and one of the first questions I will ask them is, “What are the ways you have fun in your life?”
Many seem stumped by this question, which begins an exploration. They need to try out different things by themselves and as a couple to find what is fun. Connecting to that energy, that excitement is the source of passion.
I make suggestions that aren’t rocket science: “Go to a movie together!” “Go to a concert!” “Check into the ‘no tell motel’ and have a quickie with your spouse!” The bottom line is simple: “Have fun!”
If you’d like some clinical research data, John Gottman, Ph.D., world renowned researcher on marital stability at the University of Washington, Seattle, came to the conclusion that happy, stable couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. In other words, for every negative remark or comment, there are five positive ones. This develops what Gottman calls a “reservoir of positive feelings.” We “bank” these positive feelings and they help counteract the negativity which is in all relationships to some degree.
So, you might want to become aware of the ratio of positive and negative interactions in your partnership AND in your life. I’m not even saying you need to reach the 5:1 ratio anytime soon, if you’re not there yet. All I’m saying is, you might want to get started. How? It’s quite simple. Take a walk on the beach with your partner. Kiss them passionately, “Just Because!” Rent a funny DVD. In other words, “Have fun!”
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know about my work and have a more fun, passionate relationship, click here to schedule your complimentary, 20 minute, “Create A Better Relationship Now” strategy session.