“How can I get my man to share his feelings?”
It’s a frustrating question that I am asked many times in my psychotherapy practice by singles and in my couples counseling practice as well.
Let me share a few tips that might be helpful. For a man (or a woman for that matter) to open up about his emotions and share his feelings, there definitely needs to be trust and safety in the relationship. This may take time and “baby step” experiences of opening up to develop it. And, if there is any history of betrayal from the past, including early childhood issues, this may be even more challenging .
That being said, you CAN increase the likelihood of getting your man to share his feelings by taking the following steps:
1. Don’t push for him to share his feelings! This usually gets the opposite result in men and we will dig in even deeper. Create a positive environment for what IS shared. This will create safety.
2. Positive reinforcement is the key. Like training a dog (which is perhaps a good metaphor here), you need to give us rewards for those baby steps in opening up and sharing.
3. Be interested and curious about what your partner has to share. Don’t have an agenda about what subjects are to be shared or communicated. Let it flow organically.
4. Express appreciation and gratitude for what IS shared. We all want to be admired for stretching beyond our comfort zone and need the kudos. Again, this is positive reinforcement for when he DOES share his feelings.
5. Be sensitive in how you respond to what is shared. Any feeling of judgment or negative reaction, any defensiveness, will most likely shut him down in these early stages of sharing. Remember, you ASKED for it, so be prepared, in case you hear things that you don’t necessarily enjoy hearing.
6. Finally, initiate these conversations with a soft startup. This is a term defined by Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected relationship researcher. One of the major indicators of a successful relationship is beginning a conversation with kindness, acceptance, compassion and caring.
In general, women are much better at the soft startup than men, but it is a skill we can all develop. If you want the conversation to go in a positive direction, be aware of this and take responsibility for creating it. Keep in mind that discussions in general end on an emotional tone similar to the tone they begin on.
This is also a great tip for conflict resolution with your partner, as men are much more likely to share their feelings when there is conflict going on. Gottman’s research indicates that 96% of the time that a communication involves a “soft start” it ends with a positive resolution. Pretty good odds, don’t you think?
Some tips for the “soft startup” are:
• Select a relatively stress-free time in the day.
• Start off the discussion with a positive statement.
• Use “I” statements to avoid the feeling of blame.
• Show appreciation for your partner if any progress is made. Again, positive reinforcement is crucial.
• If either of you becomes too triggered, consider a time-out to cool down and continue the discussion later.
To clarify this last statement, while it’s good to vent, it is better to vent to a friend or a therapist. To be even more precise, it’s good for YOU to vent, but venting about your partner TO your partner is NOT very good for your relationship!
I’ve presented a lot of information here and I hope that it will be helpful. Test it out and please post your comments on how it works for you. And please SHARE this with your friends as well so that they can understand how to get a man to share his feelings.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d really like to help your man to share his feelings, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” by subscribing to the Passion Doctor Newsletter at the top of this page.
that was cool,,,i enjoyd it.
Thanks Isaac, I appreciate it. I hope that it will be as cool when you practice it.
I love this list. But, one thing I would add is a willingness to share your own feelings. I think I’m emotional, but when it comes to describing or sharing my emotions, I find that very difficult. I can’t ask my partner if I’m not willing to share my own.
While I agree that sometimes it is better for us to “ante up” and model our own feelings, for some men, your expression of feelings may take up ALL of the space he has for feelings, leaving no room for his own. By all means, take turns, but perhaps not in the same “session” at least for the less feeling inclined men. It is a goal to work up to for sure.
Thanks so much for sharing this,
great list but still my husband is not opening up. I’m sure my husband have a lot of feelings, but he never wishes to talk in general. If I ask him how was work – he would say OK. If I ask did anything happen – he would respond with “not really”. I he went somewhere, he never tells about the meeting, how was his friend, how was the party, what happened etc. If I ask how he feels about anything, he would say he don’t know. So, a man of few words. We’ve been together for 5 years and still I feel like I don’t know my husband at all. Like we are strangers….what more can I do?
Sounds very frustrating. I’m assuming that there is some level of intimacy in the relationship for you to stay together for five years, perhaps that is what you can build upon. Of course, if your husband doesn’t see that this is an issue for you, he won’t have motivation to connect more to himself and share more with you. That is MY definition of intimacy.